Your eulogy

I started writing your eulogy today because I decided to host a funeral for you.
I’ll spare you the details so it won’t be long but it’s been long overdue. It’s been long over so it’s something I got to do.
It feels odd. Not even having a body to say goodbye to, it almost feels like a sin. Where do I begin?
Constantly asking myself, at’e na bida, pakiko bo ta mat’é?

But if I don’t bury you and lay my heart to rest,
this seed you carried in your womb will never grow and be able to completely bloom and properly grief. And like a thief this will continue to steal my lust for life, continue to eat me up inside even though I’ve been starving for a good while.

I was thinking of all the poetic things I’d want to say about all the good memories that are supposed to stay but I’m done wearing this mask, I’m done with the display, I’m done with this play.

My outbursts of emotions have been louder than spoken words but it’s like you’ve gone deaf when it comes to me, you just don’t care to see.
So that’s why I’m done with this fantasy.
The fantasy of this person, my person, the one I wish you were and needed you to be.
And even though I know it’s not fair to you, I still hope but now I still the hope.

I release you from this burden because it’s not you, it’s me and all my expectations.
I mean I know I’m not a burden but all I lack makes me feel heavy.
Even now, a part of me still wants to be your light pasó mi sa ku morto no ta ninga bela pero mi n’ tei soportá e kandela ei mas riba mi kabes, mi ta pag’e mecha.
You are who you are and I need what I need.
I’ll just mourn that unmatched reality.
Not for long though, indescribable peace and joy are on the horizon for me.

So today is the day I say goodbye and I hope you find rest, in peace.
I apologize for everything, I forgive you for everything and I thank you for everything.
Maybe one day we will reunite again in a much more healed space and time.
Not hoping, just saying.
But if not, then that’s fine too.

Ku hopi amor,
Bo yu.

Rebibá